So I don’t usually write much about my feelings, my emotions; the way that I feel. My normal posts are about saving money or couponing. This is probably going to be an all over the place post, but this is how I’m feeing right now. I would like to say that I have a lot together in my life…but the reality is…I don’t. It’s funny how easy it is to loose track of you in life. You see yourself as a wife, mom and friend. You often forget that you are a person too.
I feel really lost right now. I am not a perfect person….I don’t feel that I portray myself to be. I have flaws just like everyone else. I am a human who makes mistakes. I am a female who gets hormonal and emotional (sometimes overly…boy my husband will love me saying that) and I often let those emotions get the best of me. This is not one of those times. This is something that I have felt for a while now. I feel like I have lost touch of who I am…the things that make me happy don’t fulfill me as much as before. The thing that used to make me smile, don’t always do it anymore. The way that I used to think isn’t the same. I don’t always know if that’s a good thing…but its the truth.
A few years ago I knew where my life was going to go. I was going to be a baker. I was going to go to school for pastry and get my degree. Then I developed tendonitis. I still to this day have days where it hurts to do anything with my hands. Thank God that these days are now few and far in between. I am afraid to start baking again because of my hands. I fear that I will just screw them up even further. I have looked at the things I love….God, my family, baking and music. If I could live my life doing those few things, I would be content…probably happy even. I give up on so many things because of a fear of failure. A fear that I will mess up and won’t be able to come back from it. That I am not able to move past myself; let alone anyone else move past. I fear that in trying to make me happy, I will hurt my kids an my husband. That I won’t be around enough; be the mom and wife that they need me to be. And yes, feeling this way is kind of counter productive. I can’t be the best mom/wife that they NEED me to be if I don’t know what makes Robin tick. Robin matters just as much as they do….but my thoughts are ALWAYS about them. I am always thinking of my family. And others may or may might not agree, but I don’t think of me often.
These are the days where I wish my grandma was still here. I used to be able to call her and no matter what I was dealing with or going through, I would feel better. She would help me to focus on whatever it was that I needed to deal with and ensure that I was alright. I feel lost without that little piece of me. Maybe it’s not so little, but there is a piece in my heart that is missing. Nothing has felt quite the same since she passed. My life has not ben the same. I know that God helps us and that He eases the pain of losing someone because He has. He has made it easy to get through my days without crying. It’s been almost 3 years and I can function. But there are days like today…like the past couple months, where I feel lost. Like I need direction. Where the sound of her voice just seems like it would give me so much more than anyone would think. Clarity even.
Lord I need something. I don’t know what….but I have said all this to say that I am lost….right now…I feel like I’m totally lost.